if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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