i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
