1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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