you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
