one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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