Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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