There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
