also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
