I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
