I hate your face
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
