you would pick up someone in the library
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
