so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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