Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
