i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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