I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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