Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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