I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
