wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He passed out mid-signature
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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