I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
