Me. At least after what I've been through.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
