I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
