I'd wear matching sweaters with you
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
