I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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