Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
