i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
