Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
This house was built for laser tag.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
