my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
