At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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