I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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