if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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