Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
