Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Found the puke drawer
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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