How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am one with the molecules
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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