I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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