I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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