my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
