Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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