You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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