apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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