no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
