Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
