My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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