So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
