Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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