dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
