don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We are two peas in an std pod
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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