how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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