Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
im having a threesome with these popsicles
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
