at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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