dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
