I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
