Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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