I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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