you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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