He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
