I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
