My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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