I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
